5 Ways to Get Your Toddler to Eat Dinner (And yes, it’s okay that you want them to)
By: Amy Webb, M.S.Ed.
Dinner time with a young child can devolve into an unpleasant power struggle, sometimes before the well-intentioned parent even realizes it. You want your child to eat healthy, nutritious foods so they will grow strong, have healthy brain development, and reach their potential in life. Your youngster of course doesn’t know any of this because they live in the here and now, not in the future. And your good intentions can feel like power and control for them to rebel against.
Young children commonly go through a period of picky eating and food neophobia—reluctance to eat unfamiliar foods and, sometimes, rejection of foods they previously accepted. This developmental stage is particularly common in the toddler and preschool years, and research suggests it generally decreases as children get older. Also playing a role is their developing sensory preferences for textures, smells, and flavors they like and dislike. So if your young child is refusing food, congratulations! They are right on time developmentally.
At the age of two and through the preschool years, children develop a strong sense of autonomy. The refrain “I can do it!” is often heard, even when the task is not yet doable. Self-feeding is a particularly important arena for this emerging autonomy: children want to hold the spoon, choose what and how much to eat, and increasingly manage eating independently. The goal isn't that a toddler eats perfectly or neatly—it is that eating becomes one of the everyday ways a child experiences “I am capable, and I have some control over my own body.”
If your child is a picky eater, here are 5 Things You Can Try Starting Tomorrow:
1. DEFINE ROLES.
The parent decides WHAT and WHEN. The child decides IF and HOW MUCH.
This idea comes from Ellyn Satter, a therapist and dietician. So what does that look like? You prepare the meal. You decide what’s being served (ideally the same food for everyone in the family, excluding allergies or other similar concerns.) You decide what time the meal is (ideally the same time every day). You call your child to the table and offer the food. Your child decides IF they are going to eat and HOW MUCH they are going to eat.
2. KEEP PORTIONS SMALL when introducing new foods to avoid overwhelm. A slice or two of a vegetable or fruit. A couple of bites of meat. A small spoonful of grain. If the portion isn’t overwhelming, your child might venture a small bite. It’s helpful to include familiar foods on the plate with new ones. You can take the same approach when packing your child’s lunchbox.
3. KEEP INTRODUCING FOODS after your child rejects or refuses them. Most parents give up after 3-5 times. But research shows it can take 8-15 introductions of a food, and sometimes up to 20, before a child will try it. So keep trying. Put it on the plate (in a small portion) and model eating it yourself.
4. KEEP A NEUTRAL ATTITUDE
Don’t cajole. Don’t beg. Don’t bribe. And if your child tries something, don’t praise. Keep a matter-of-fact attitude about foods when offering, when modeling, when your child is eating them. This allows your child to have their own experience, and makes it less likely you will get into a power struggle. You can express curiosity about the taste, the texture, etc, without being too effusive.
5. STAY CONSISTENT
You are training your child into a new dynamic and this takes a bit of time, especially if you have been engaged in a power struggle. You can tell your child, “dinner time is almost over, food is going to be put away soon. Check in with your body: are you hungry? If so, you might want to have some food before dinner time is over.” Then do what I call the Walk-Away Trick. Busy yourself with a task or go into the other room and leave them to decide without your watchful eye. If your child declines, keep a neutral attitude and follow through. Remember that nutrition needs are met over time, not in one meal.
Why is this important? Feeding, learning to experience one’s own cues of hunger and satiety are an important part of growth and development of autonomy and self-care skills. Your toddler is in what Erik Erikson framed as the “Autonomy” stage of development. Your role is to provide a safety net around the development of that autonomy.
As parents, feeding and caring for children is one of the most important things. The satisfaction of seeing your child nourished by healthy food you’ve lovingly prepared is so satisfying. But sometimes, that goal or priority of meeting that need to nurture can overtake the child’s own need to develop autonomy. If you are cajoling your child to eat, or to eat more, you are essentially training them that these cues come from an EXTERNAL source rather than an INTERNAL one.
The basic needs of the body: eating, toileting, and sleep are such an important part of a child’s development. And as parents, you are engaged in a dance of meeting those needs while slowly training your child how to meet those needs him or herself. That takes time, patience, and clarity on the adult’s part.
I hope this framework and guide will be useful to you. If you want a little perspective on your particular child, your particular parenting question, or your school search, that’s what I do with families. You can book a free half hour consultation with me, and we can talk about your particular needs.